How to Read the Newspaper

Luc and I have a pretty good system when it comes to reading the weekday paper on a busy weekday morning: he finds the section with the comics, opens it up to that page, and sets it by my place at the counter. The rest of the paper is his to enjoy.

But the Saturday newspaper is another story. With the kids parked in the family room watching too much TV, we often (and by often I mean sometimes when the stars align) take the time to read the entire paper.

And this is where it gets a little complicated. Because we each have our own way of tackling this enjoyable task. Here’s mine:

  1. Putter around the kitchen making coffee and otherwise looking busy until Luc gives in first and goes to get the paper out of the mailbox so that I don’t have to head out onto the front steps in my PJs and risk being seen by a neighbour mowing his lawn, say, or a random jogger.
  2. Nab the paper from the kitchen counter while Luc makes his tea and escape to the dining room.
  3. Remove the stack of flyers from the middle of the paper.
  4. Divide the flyers into three piles: “Can’t be bothered” (Princess Auto, Dymon Storage and anything related to lawn care or hearing aids), “Flip through and recycle before I’m tempted to drop everything and go shopping” (Home Outfitters, Bouclair, Target) and “Save for later when making the grocery list so that I can painstakingly plan the meals and price compare, only to forget the damn things at home when I head to the grocery store and not save a single cent after all.”
  5. Make sure the edges of all the flyers in the three piles line up neatly. Yes, even the ones going straight into the recycling bin. I’m weird that way.
  6. Glance quickly at the first page of the first section to make sure the world isn’t ending.
  7. Pull out the sections I actually want to read (Homes and Condos, Books, Travel, Life, Comics…) and set them neatly on the table to my left. (Gotta have my coffee hand free…)
  8. Give the rest to Luc when he arrives in the dining room, tea in hand, looking for the paper he’s sure he brought in.
  9. Read each of my sections one at a time–carefully folding the pages back as I go–including all articles and ads.
  10. Lay each finished section face down on the table so that I can fold them back up neatly when I’m done.
  11. Briefly consider doing the crossword puzzle.
  12. Realize that any time and/or energy I may have had to complete the crossword puzzle was sucked out of me when I had my first child 10 years ago.
  13. When Luc has finished reading his sections (World News, Canada, City, Opinion, Business…), flip through them quickly, scanning the headlines and skimming the photo captions, making a half-hearted attempt to stay somewhat current with what’s going on in the world without being completely traumatized by all of the death, destruction, pain, suffering and downright stupidity going on out there.
  14. Except for the Sports section. I just ignore that altogether.
  15. Fold the remaining sections into the others. Neatly. Like the paper had never been opened. Kinda like a stealth mission except with all the sections out of order. Which bugs me, but I force myself not to fix it.
  16. Recycle.
  17. Neatly.

Check out Luc’s thoughts on how to read the newspaper.



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